turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
