you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize