i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
