hotel room ftw
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
