Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize