Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
