Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize