Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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