Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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