I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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