a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
