I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
