maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
