Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
