"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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