Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
