So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
