I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
