She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
