I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
