Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
