i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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