just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
