There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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