Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
