somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
