You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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