look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
