I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
