Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
