The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
