she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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