Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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