I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
