Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
