That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
