Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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