apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
