My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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