So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
