I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
