Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
