I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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