I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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