Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
