the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
