I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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