Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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