I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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