we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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