Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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