my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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