PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
