Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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