I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
