He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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